Why do we keep longing for something we can't have?
Let's keep it real. You thought I have an answer to that, didn't you? Spoiler alert: the hell I don't. Do I wish I had? The hell I do. What I do have, though, is a couple of tried and trusted strategies for what to do about it, which I am about to share with you.
First, to get you to feel into what I am talking about, let me ask you: Did you ever lose anything? Like a wallet, house keys, or a bag. When you carry these things on a regular day, you likely don't overthink it - it's just a regular part of your life. Apart from not forgetting it when you're leaving your home, you don't think about them much. But once you lose it and simply can't have it anymore, how much more often does your mind wander to that thought? And once you replace them, how quickly do you slip back into not having them on your mind anymore?
I think everyone knows the feeling of desperately wanting something they can't have. It can be an exotic vacation during a pandemic, a body shape that just isn't in one's DNA, a talent for writing in someone who is gifted with numbers, or a person who simply isn't meant for you, even if you think you're perfect for each other and believe that with your whole heart (and a quick side note here: if it feels like it's not meant to be, it most probably isn't, but more on that some other time). If you are in any situation like that, it is very easy to have your mind, focus, and energy invested in what you are lacking. At the same time, I feel we are equally quick to lose the joy of what we've achieved after we get it, and the cycle simply starts again.
Why is that, though? Is it because society trains us to be competitive and win to be seen as successful? Or is that rather a natural human trait that keeps mankind progressing through never being satisfied and always longing for more? Or is it because our brains are simply addicted to solving problems, so as soon as we have one, they just bite into it with all it's power and won't let go? Regardless of how magnetic such thoughts can be, I can't recall a single occasion when focusing on what I don't have made me feel good. Don't get me wrong: if you twist it the right way, it can definitely bring you results. If it's something you deeply desire, and if you focus on why you want it and how you will get there, it can be a strong driver for action. However, that only works when what you are trying to achieve is within your circle of influence. You can be motivated to lose or gain weight, and with the right actions, you most likely can achieve it. On the other hand, if you're dreaming of being a spaghetti while you were born a potato, you are likely to fail regardless of the actions you take. Obviously, in order to succeed in this, you first need to know which is which and learn to accept the latter.
“if ever you feel lost,
unsure or insecure
pause,
feel your feet on the ground
and remember who the
fuck you are”
Without beating around the bush any further, I'll be honest. I clearly don't have an answer to the "why". Nevertheless, I did spend some substantial time figuring out what to do about it. And since hanging out in positive energy, feeling good, and being happy is all that I want to be after, I keep on seeking and trying strategies that help me snap out of it when the longing hits. Here are some that work for me the best:
Practicing grounding and mindfulness. My favorite way is to go for a walk. This combines fresh air, moving my body, changing the environment I'm in, and if I'm lucky enough, sunlight (or a starry night sky view). Focusing on the physical, external, and present moment, instead of focusing on the circulating thoughts, works miracles.
A gratitude journal. Some weeks ago, I decided to start a gratitude journal. My personal aim is to write in it daily (ideally first thing in the morning), but whenever I feel like I'm too hung up on something I think I'm lacking, I consciously force myself to think about the things I already have. It can be as "little" as having a roof over my head, some food in the fridge, and a job. It may take only a couple of seconds. Still, I find counting my blessings to be a powerful tool to shift my focus to the positive things in life and 'sit' in an abundance mindset, rather than to 'unpack and go camping' in scarcity.
Accepting that the journey indeed is the destination. I am well aware that this one is by far the most difficult to implement. There is no shortcut; either you hit the "aha moment", feel it, and understand it deeply, or you don't. At the same time, this is also the one I find to bring the most permanent shift. I am striving to enjoy the journey rather than rush to the next destination because as long as I keep on moving forward, I am achieving enough already. In such a case, there is no way I need to worry about lacking. Everything I want, need, and deserve is on its way, and I'm getting closer to it every day.
So.. instead of any closing words, this time I would like to leave you with a poem by Sky Banyes (@skybanyes):
do you notice the well days
as much as you notice the unwell?
do you ponder on the knowns
as much as on the unknowns?
do you lie sleepless in awe of this life,
the stars, your breath, what is?
or do you twist and turn
worrying about everything that isn’t?
why count black sheep
when you can count blessings.
and when you wake up
remember to count that too
